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Mrs TeePot

Stress

October 4, 2010 Mrs TeePot

Stress affects me, a lot. It’s my biggest trigger for every single one of my mental health diagnoses, and so I find myself blogging, yet again, about my mental health. Once again my posts are making no sense, once again I can barely focus for long enough to write a post, and once again I feel totally out of control. So here I am again, letting you all know that I am fast losing my grip again. *sigh*

Firstly, I’m an emotional eater. My weight has gone up and down with my mood for as long as I can remember, at the moment I am at the lowest weight I’ve been in my adult life because I’ve been happy, now I’ve started uni I am eating, a lot. Since the realisation dawned that I would have to face people my own age, go to a city, have a life, I have been gradually eating more and more and I’m now at the point where even though I feel sick, my stomach feels about to burst and I have devoured everything in sight, I still want to eat.
I know it’s not healthy, I know I should tackle it but at the moment it’s all I have. I don’t smoke any more, I don’t drink any more, I don’t self harm any more, I don’t party any more and I’ve never done drugs. I have no other vice, no other way to get me through this but to eat. I know it’s going to lead to a downward spiral; I’ll eat, put weight on, be more depressed because I’m fat, eat more because I’m depressed and so it goes on, but the idea of having no crutch at all is unbearable so I don’t think I really have a choice.

Not only that but today I didn’t go to uni. I should have, but I didn’t. I got up and then sat, in my dressing gown, for hours until I knew I couldn’t make the train. Worse than that though, I continued to sit there knowing that I needed to go to the post office, because the idea of just going outside brought back feelings of terror that I thought I had dealt with. So I sat, unable to move because if I got up I’d have to get dressed and if I got dressed I’d have to go out. Eventually I did get up, and I took a beta blocker just so I knew that the physical symptoms wouldn’t be a problem, and went out to the post office. You might be thinking “oh, well that’s good,” but I’m not convinced, mainly because the whole time I was out, all of about half an hour, I was terrified, my entire body was tensed and I was on high alert. I haven’t been like that in about a year, not in my home town anyway.
It worries me. It worries me so much that after only 2 days of uni I’ve gone back so far. I’ve spent years getting to a place where I could go out alone to familiar places, where I could function in my own little world, and in 2 days all that work seems to be being destroyed and I’m having to question if it’s worth it. On Saturday I not only arrived at work late, but I left early. In total I spent a hour there because I just couldn’t hack it; it was too busy, it was to exposed, it was too terrifying. I spent the weekend locked in my house in an effort to get over the trauma that those two day caused.

I’m going tomorrow. I did a deal with myself that if I didn’t go today I had to do the whole day tomorrow, but it shouldn’t be like this. I appreciate that everyone is nervous in their first week or so of uni, but I’m pretty damn sure that not everyone is sat at home talking themselves in to going out of the house just because they’re so terrified because they’ve spent a whole 2 days at uni. If that was the case, no one would go. So I’m trying again tomorrow, I’m going to the disabled students office, I’m chasing up my funding and I’m praying that I don’t continue to get worse, because at this rate by the end of the week I’ll be housebound again and I really don’t think I can fight that fear again.

Mrs TeePot

Mrs TeePot also goes by the name Livi and is a tea drinking, chocolate munching, social networking writer. She is the Snapshot Round Up writer for Britmums and also moonlights at www.urbanvox.net adding some extra raunch to their "Fun & Frolics" column.

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  • http://beckywilloughby.blogspot.com Becky

    big hugs it must be really hard sometimes. glad you can put your feelings here on your blog as its better than keeping it all in xx

  • http://www.weewifie.co.uk Louise

    I agree with Becky… at least you're getting your feelings out rather than keeping them all in. That's definately a good thing.

    I don't see the harm myself in doing deals with yourself. If it's what's gonna get you into uni some of the time, rather than none of the time, then I'm all for that! And hopefully as time passes, you'll find yourself having to do these deals less and less.

    Best wishes for tomorrow :)

  • http://www.lovezsara.com Zsara

    I've had days and sometimes weeks like that. You're not alone – at the moment I'm trying to control my eating and just have a more positive outlook on everything. My advice to you would be the small things- don't see it as going into uni see it as walking out of the door, walking to the train station etc. that helped me get through the days when I'd honestly rather never seen nor spoken to anyone.

    Don't give up on yourself – you're much too special for that :) XXX Z

    • Jenny

      I agree with the above comments. Do things one bit at a time, get out the door, walk to the train station, get through each class one at a time.
      Make deals with yourself, everyone does at some point in order to give themselves that little extra incentive to doing something.
      Think of it like being a long distance runner, you've completed 20 miles of a marathon. Your tired but to get to the finish you make yourself lots of small promises, I'll run to the next mile marker and then stop, when you reach the next marker, you promise yourself that you'll run until you count to 100. Eventually you reach the finish line and can relax and recover.
      Do eat heathly.

      Oh and I think your post made perfect sense as you got across what a hard time your having.

      ((((Hugs))))

  • http://kelloggsville.blogspot.com/ Kelloggsville

    Shop healthy! It one point I was eating 3 kgs of carrots a week. Healthy over eating. Hugs for tomorrow

    • http://princessl.co.uk/ Livi

      good plan! thanks!

  • andthenallithoughtaboutwasyou

    I am so glad you are writing this and do deals with yourself that is fine I do them all the time. I agree with Zsara walk out the door, then to the station etc make it small steps rather than spend whole day at uni as that is a big thing to undertake. Big hugs xx

  • Mummy

    hugs. luv u. seems all these posts are making sense. don't let the 'illness' beat you again.

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