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Mrs TeePot

Three Weeks

November 12, 2010 Mrs TeePot

That’s how long it’s been since I went to uni. Three full weeks. Only one of those was an official week off.

I am failing. I am fighting as hard as I possibly can, but I am still failing.

There is nothing more they can do, there is nothing more I can do, I just have to wait. Wait and see if I can do the work without ever making an appearance. Wait and see if I ever feel strong enough to go to a lecture again. I have to just wait, and hope, and not talk about it because that will result in “but what are you going to do if you’re not at uni?” question, a reminder of how much I fail at life.

I don’t want to drop out: people will be disappointed in me if I do, people will say that I have let the anxiety and depression beat me, people will assume that I am thick. I love the work, I love to sit and read the text books, I love to write essays and ponder over language. Through the work I am finding joy, the joy I only feel when I’m learning, absorbing fascinating information, taking in all that lovely knowledge. I love it.

But it’s so god-dammed hard. Not the work, but everything else related to uni: the people, the places, the lectures, the tutorials. It’s so god-damned hard. And it’s exhausting.
Imagine there is a brick wall in front of you. To get anywhere at all you have to push that wall the whole way there, push it around with you and push it all the way home. It’s a pretty solid wall, it doesn’t want to move, but you heave and heave and it does shift, but damn does it take a lot of effort. Everyday I get to uni I have shifted that wall (hell, sometimes I have to shift it just to get out of bed) and when I eventually get back I am so exhausted, in every possible sense, that I can’t do anything else. I mean truly shattered. And then the next day I’m expected to shift the whole damned thing again, muscles aching, still tired from yesterday’s exertions, and every day it gets harder.

Yes, that’s right. Not easier as many people would have you believe, but harder. When you’re that defeated, that tired, that drained, there is nothing left for you to hold on to your sanity with. It’s then that all those problems you were dealing with attack again. Suddenly you’re not just facing that one brick wall any more, but an army of them, lined up right behind one another, working together against you.

So here I am, faced with a line of brick walls so long it probably reaches to Manchester (that’s where I’m at uni by the way)! I have no clue what to do, where to start, how to get there. Most people seem to expect me to give up and jack it in, those that don’t think that I should, and then there’s me. I love the work. I love it so much. I’d forgotten just how I adored English Language until I started, I just wish there wasn’t so much more to uni than the academics.

Mrs TeePot

Mrs TeePot also goes by the name Livi and is a tea drinking, chocolate munching, social networking writer. She is the Snapshot Round Up writer for Britmums and also moonlights at www.urbanvox.net adding some extra raunch to their "Fun & Frolics" column.

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  • http://mollysdailykiss.com/ Molly

    Ohhhhhh…..I so wish I could help with the walls, I know how much this means to you and I can’t even begin to image the joy and self satisfaction that you would get from getting that degree. I was wondering if you have thought about The Open University? I know that getting funding for that can be tricky it’s just a thoughts……* goes away to look for slegde hammer for Liv to use on the walls

    Mollyxxx

    • http://princessl.co.uk/ PrincessL

      Aww thanks hun! The main problem I have with OU is that they don’t do the degree I want. Although I’m also a bit of an educational snob in the sense that I want my degree to be from a prestigious uni, I don’t want just any degree from anywhere. There are several unis closer to me that I could have gone to but instead I opted for one that excels in my area of study.
      It’s a bit of a catch 22 I suppose because I have very high standards for myself even though my MH problems make it incredibly difficult to achieve them!

  • http://twitter.com/plus2point4 Alison Hodge

    Take a deep breath.Start with one day at a time Liv, you’ve overwhelmed yourself so much you’ve created a monster.See if you can arrange to talk to someone at the Uni.Tell them your feelings and I’m sure they will help you.You can do it!

    • http://princessl.co.uk/ PrincessL

      Thanks hun, you’re right that I’m totally overwhelmed. I’ve spoken to the uni and they are doing their best, sadly they can’t change what’s in my head!

  • http://twitter.com/plus2point4 Alison Hodge

    Take a deep breath.Start with one day at a time Liv, you’ve overwhelmed yourself so much you’ve created a monster.See if you can arrange to talk to someone at the Uni.Tell them your feelings and I’m sure they will help you.You can do it!

    • http://princessl.co.uk/ PrincessL

      Thanks hun, you’re right that I’m totally overwhelmed. I’ve spoken to the uni and they are doing their best, sadly they can’t change what’s in my head!

  • http://cakesfromkim.blogspot.com/ Kim

    This is my first time visiting but I just had to comment on this – it could have been written by me! I dropped out of my first uni course for what I imagine to be the same reasons that you have talked about. I used to think that it would all be absolutely perfect, if I just never actually had to actually BE at uni… tutorials, halls of residence, social events – hell. Anyway, I left, took some time out, worked for a bit, worked on my problems – and I’ve actually just graduated from UoM myself. If you can, try and get in touch with someone at the support service – they were a great help to one of my friends who went through some tough times at uni. If you have a tutor, talk to them if you can. But if you’re really struggling, there’s nothing wrong with just saying that uni isn’t the right place for you to be now. Lots of people seem to think that you should have a degree nowadays, but it’s just not the case. You can always go back to your studies in future when you’re feeling stronger, and if a degree is what you really want – you CAN do it!

    • http://princessl.co.uk/ PrincessL

      Thanks. Very pleased you found me!
      Definitely need to just take it one day at a time and stop holding myself to such high expectations! I’ll get there! :)

  • http://cakesfromkim.blogspot.com/ Kim

    This is my first time visiting but I just had to comment on this – it could have been written by me! I dropped out of my first uni course for what I imagine to be the same reasons that you have talked about. I used to think that it would all be absolutely perfect, if I just never actually had to actually BE at uni… tutorials, halls of residence, social events – hell. Anyway, I left, took some time out, worked for a bit, worked on my problems – and I’ve actually just graduated from UoM myself. If you can, try and get in touch with someone at the support service – they were a great help to one of my friends who went through some tough times at uni. If you have a tutor, talk to them if you can. But if you’re really struggling, there’s nothing wrong with just saying that uni isn’t the right place for you to be now. Lots of people seem to think that you should have a degree nowadays, but it’s just not the case. You can always go back to your studies in future when you’re feeling stronger, and if a degree is what you really want – you CAN do it!

    • http://princessl.co.uk/ PrincessL

      Thanks. Very pleased you found me!
      Definitely need to just take it one day at a time and stop holding myself to such high expectations! I’ll get there! :)

  • http://nikkiihall.co.uk/blog Nikkii

    I hate brick uni – I went when I was 18 and had a terrible time – I lasted til Christmas.

    I love The Open University. I have done 4 courses with them and the tutorials are optional, some courses even have online tutorials. Someone’s probably said it before but The Open University sounds right up your street. I know it’s up mine :)

    • http://princessl.co.uk/ PrincessL

      Thanks chick. Yea, I did look at OU but they don’t do the course I wanted. Plus it’s kind of a way for me to make sure I keep getting out, with OU it would allow me to just stay in all day everyday and, while that would be far easier, it wouldn’t be wise!

      • http://nikkiihall.co.uk/blog Nikkii

        I think the perception of us as home biddies stuck indoors with our noses in a book is a bit 1970s :) We have monthly tutorials (optional but I go to them all as they really inspire me to get studying), and the best bit is a massive online community of students from all walks of life… each region has a pretty active student’s association you can take what you want from (me? nowt at the moment) – it’s a bit like blogging as far as contact goes, you can take is far (or not) as you want. Some of my blog readers and FB friends are fellow OU students I have yet to meet IRL. Oh and there’s sumer schools, oh and I’m not on commission :)

  • http://nikkiihall.co.uk/blog Nikkii

    I hate brick uni – I went when I was 18 and had a terrible time – I lasted til Christmas.

    I love The Open University. I have done 4 courses with them and the tutorials are optional, some courses even have online tutorials. Someone’s probably said it before but The Open University sounds right up your street. I know it’s up mine :)

    • http://princessl.co.uk/ PrincessL

      Thanks chick. Yea, I did look at OU but they don’t do the course I wanted. Plus it’s kind of a way for me to make sure I keep getting out, with OU it would allow me to just stay in all day everyday and, while that would be far easier, it wouldn’t be wise!

      • http://nikkiihall.co.uk/blog Nikkii

        I think the perception of us as home biddies stuck indoors with our noses in a book is a bit 1970s :) We have monthly tutorials (optional but I go to them all as they really inspire me to get studying), and the best bit is a massive online community of students from all walks of life… each region has a pretty active student’s association you can take what you want from (me? nowt at the moment) – it’s a bit like blogging as far as contact goes, you can take is far (or not) as you want. Some of my blog readers and FB friends are fellow OU students I have yet to meet IRL. Oh and there’s sumer schools, oh and I’m not on commission :)

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  • http://mollysdailykiss.com/ Molly

    Ohhhhhh…..I so wish I could help with the walls, I know how much this means to you and I can’t even begin to image the joy and self satisfaction that you would get from getting that degree. I was wondering if you have thought about The Open University? I know that getting funding for that can be tricky it’s just a thoughts……* goes away to look for slegde hammer for Liv to use on the walls

    Mollyxxx

  • http://princessl.co.uk/ PrincessL

    Aww thanks hun! The main problem I have with OU is that they don’t do the degree I want. Although I’m also a bit of an educational snob in the sense that I want my degree to be from a prestigious uni, I don’t want just any degree from anywhere. There are several unis closer to me that I could have gone to but instead I opted for one that excels in my area of study.
    It’s a bit of a catch 22 I suppose because I have very high standards for myself even though my MH problems make it incredibly difficult to achieve them!

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