A year ago today I posted this post. Only a year. A year since the most painful betrayal ever. A year since the man who asked to spend his life with me, who tried for children with me, who claimed he loved me, took off on a plane to come home and never contacted me again.
I waited. After hours of hoping, imagining delayed planes and planned romantic gestures, a ‘friend’ informed me she’d picked him, and his girlfriend, up from the airport.
That night Yuri saved my life. He had police sent round to my house where I had planned to commit suicide. I convinced the Police Officer that I was ok, having hidden piles of meds and some knives, but the scare put me off trying. And so began the fight.
I don’t want to admit that it still hurts, I know he still reads my blogs. I don’t want him to think that he is important, he isn’t, but that betrayal, not just by him, but by my ‘friends’ who covered for him has changed me a lot. This past year has been tough. Up and down but ending on a high. But I wanted to re-post this, to remind me that it’s only been a year since that betrayal, that it’s ok to still be hurting, and also to remind me how much better things are now.
At Yule I burnt my suicide letters. I no longer have a suicide plan. I am no longer the woman who wrote this post. I am better than him.
This isn’t a mature post, it’s not a sensible, grown-up way to deal with the situation, but it’s my way and it’s the truth.
For the past 6 months my ex fiancé and I have been discussing getting back together, talking through what went wrong, planning out future together. For 6 months he has apologised, told me he made a mistake leaving, told me he wants to be with me and make it work. All that time he was still with that woman, the woman he said he’d left, the woman he slated in the bedroom, the woman who was “just there” and didn’t mean anything. And I hope to god she reads this and realises what he’s like, and if she knew then I hope he does the same thing to her, which he will.
And just for the people who I know think that I’ve been chasing him, or whatever other rubbish he’s been telling you, I have saved all our skype conversations and all our emails so you can see just what a liar he is:
All quotes are exactly as they were and have not been edited. Names have been removed.
The irony of this particular extract is the he actually did what I said he would do after he told me it was “preposterous”. (As I work my way through the 500 pages of lies there will no doubt be more examples, not only of his lies to me but to other people to: friends, family, work.)
[16/12/2010 15:28:59] (Livi): sorry I’m just scared
[16/12/2010 15:29:27] S: scared ill eat a taco and suddenly want to return?
[16/12/2010 15:29:44] S: the only thing i would want is to eat more tacos, the bastards are addictive
[16/12/2010 15:30:00] (Livi): scared ur actually bringing her with u
scared ur gonna come back and decide actually u dont want me
scared ur not gonna come back
[16/12/2010 15:30:15] S: riiiiiiight
[16/12/2010 15:30:31] S: well the first and third are preposterous
[16/12/2010 15:30:44] S: the second im is doubtful
[16/12/2010 15:30:54] (Livi): hmm
[16/12/2010 15:31:37] (Livi): u dont have the best track record
[16/12/2010 15:32:33] S: my track record is utterly insane and possibly the worst in the world and has been all my life
[16/12/2010 15:32:45] (Livi): so u cant blame me
[16/12/2010 15:34:14] S: im not blaming you at all
[16/12/2010 15:34:35] (Livi): well could u possibly be a little more sensitive then
[16/12/2010 15:34:49] S: ok ill try (hug)
Compulsive lying at its best.
And no, I don’t feel better for posting it but at least all the people who he’s evidently told that I’m some psycho imagining stuff might realise that actually this is all his doing because of his lies.