On Fear
Brief background: we’re going to Spain for a 3 (nearly 4) month holiday very very soon. I have an anxiety disorder along with other bits and bobs.
The fear is often worse than the reality, so they say at least, and so I hope because the fear of our trip to Spain is pretty epic right now. My sleeping is off and I find myself tossing and turning at night, worry wracking my brain. I feel sick when people mention it, my IBS is playing up constantly no matter what I eat and I’ve had several tearful moments over it already.
I’m scared to leave behind all that has become familiar; friends, food, routine. I have settled here, my mental health has become mostly stable and I am reluctant to throw that away for 3 months in the sunshine. I’m scared to be alone, away from my internet friends, my solace in blogging and what little work I have.
I know many of you would give your right arm to switch places; to spend 3 months in Spain, eating new foods, lazing by the beach, away from lives troubles, but for me the stress and anxiety that surrounds it makes it very difficult to focus on any positives that may exist. If I do manage to think of something to look forward to (the possibility of finding a nice Spanish date, for example) it is killed by the terror of all things new.
I don’t do change. Change is scary and upsets me and sends my mind into all kinds of bad places. I’m focusing on breathing, day by day, gradually packing as if it’s only for a week or two, but it’s getting so close. Too close. Soon I wont be able to ignore it. It will be here and there will be no escaping it and I have no idea if I’ll make it through.
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