On Not Knowing Who You Are
I thought I knew who I was. At least, I thought I was getting to know who I was. I thought I was discovering it, getting more sure of it, learning to love it. But now I find myself lost again. Lost in my own brain. Not knowing who I am or what I like.
That’s the thing with Borderline, “unstable self image or sense of self,” not knowing who you are sort of comes with the territory, and it sucks!
See, you probably can’t imagine what it feels like to not know if you prefer pink or blue, whether you like steak, what kind of eggs you prefer. You probably take for granted just knowing who you are, and why shouldn’t you? Most people, from what I can gather, pick up these things as you go through life. Most people try things and learn how they feel about them. But I don’t.
See my experience of Borderline involves needing to be liked, needing to be accepted, wanted, and part of that is emulating what I think the people I’m with at the time want me to be. It goes beyond the average person’s self-modification when they’re with different groups of people, because in those cases it’s generally a minor adjustment that ceases when alone, and they still have an identity when they are alone. But at the moment I don’t.
I know I like pink, I know I like coffee (despite my online name!), I know I want to be married with kids. But beyond that I’m lost. Beyond some very basic knowledge I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what books I like anymore, what movies I like, because they change, because someone I want to like me recommends a book and I read it, and I like it, but do I? Did I really enjoy it? Me? Or did the person I think they want me to be enjoy it? I don’t know.
So here I am. Lost. At a loss. Personality missing. If you see it, please post it back, I’d really appreciate it!